Sticky Beak
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The Skinny
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...life in small Northern towns, working for assholes, boys who refuse to become men, synthetic personalities, anorexic models and their link to emotional scarring, bad marijuana trips, crazies on BC Transit, beer, piece of shit cars, living out of a suitcase paycheck to paycheck, unrequited love, Seinfeld, minimum-wage jobs, broken New Year�s resolutions, and over-limit Visa accounts.
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Bastard Government Please, can I trade in this dysfunctional body for a new one? This one just isn't working for me. In fact, I'll level with you... it's a total piece of shit. Yup. A total lemon. Limone. I'm 32 years old and feel 89... that's just not fair. And while we're complaining, I'd also like to note that it's 5:56 AM and I'm awake, sitting in the dark of our living room, writing what will most likely be a rhetorical blog entry. Que Sera. I must have been a real asshole in my last life. Ass-hooolllleeee. At any rate. So, how many of you remembered it was Daylight Savings yesterday? Hmmm? Well, in actuality, I can�t say 'remembered' because I didn't know about it in the first place in order to forget about it. In fact, I wasn't aware of it until I arrived at the store � 5 minutes early � only to find my relief pharmacist standing outside underneath the awning, pacing back and forth to keep warm. Only then, when she told me she'd been standing there for an hour and that I was actually 55 minutes late, not 5 minutes early, did I know about the time change. God, I L-O-V-E being me. It is such a treat. Every day is a brand new adventure. Time: 6:03AM And I'm poor. Have I mentioned that before? Correction - we're poor. Damo's convinced it's because he's not working... poor sod. What he doesn't realize is that it's my destiny to be destitute... to live paycheque to paycheque... robbing Peter to pay Paul... He's hooked up with the wrong girl, me thinks. One person living off a paycheque really is no different than two, as far as most expenses go. Rent, car, phone, electricity... pretty standard stuff, really. The extra income would be nice, but let's not get started on that because it just sets Damo off on a 20 minute rant that I�ve nearly got memorized. Something about our Our poverty probably isn�t aided by my idiocy, either. I seem to have developed a new talent of destroying automobiles. We were forced to purchase a new-to-us piece of crap a few weeks ago after the black rocket went tits up... something about me not putting oil in it for a few months? Blah, blah, blah, blah. Whatever. Hated that demon vehicle anyway... I kicked it several times after it broke down during rush-hour mid-intersection. Didn�t hold back... told it exactly how I felt about it. At any rate, it died and we pretty much bought the very next piece of shit that drove past us. It�s not too bad of a little car, actually. It runs � most of the time. You just have to remember to a) flip the ignition kill button, b) ensure that the ignition kill button has all of its wires connected, c) say a Hail Mary and walk counter-clockwise around the car three times before getting in. Oh, and remember to turn your lights off when you park... Apparently that�s very important. Otherwise, you�ll come out of work one night after a nine hour shift to a dead battery, beseech your very ill coworker to aid you by providing a jump, neglect to ensure that he knows about the whole �negative to negative, positive to positive� rule, and BAM! You wind up with a really dead battery, some sort of suspicious smoke coming from the centre of all those wires and tubes and things under your hood, and ultimately asking same coworker for a lift home. So remember boys and girls... always turn off your headlights when you park. Again I say, every day is a new adventure. Time: 6:27AM BOLLOCKS! This whole �not sleeping� thing is really starting to annoy me... not to mention wear me down. It�s been going on for quite a while now, and combined with the constant pain I�m in, I�m very nearly ready to pull the pin on it all. Honestly. I�m not sure if it�s the pain or my restless mind that prevents me from sleeping, either. I think and worry far too much about work for what I�m paid. Why did I have to grow a conscience? It�s such a pain in the ass. On a positive note � because I feel I�ve been a bit negative up to this point � our wedding invites are done, printed, and even in envelopes! They�re a bit non-traditional... I hope that my grandmother and conservative/religious friends can find it in their hearts to forgive us� but they�re very much �Us� and we had fun writing them. So, if you�re reading this, be sure to check your mailbox in the next week or so� Time: 6:36AM You know what? I think I�m gonna give this sleep thing another go. Wish me luck, chitlins! |