Sticky Beak
|
The Skinny
|
...life in small Northern towns, working for assholes, boys who refuse to become men, synthetic personalities, anorexic models and their link to emotional scarring, bad marijuana trips, crazies on BC Transit, beer, piece of shit cars, living out of a suitcase paycheck to paycheck, unrequited love, Seinfeld, minimum-wage jobs, broken New Year�s resolutions, and over-limit Visa accounts.
|
Dates From Hell
THE BRIT
Yada, yada, yada, it's later that evening and she phones me telling me that when she saw him at the strata meeting, she told him I thought he had a sexy voice, and then wound up giving him my email address. Taking into account the high standards of my friend, I actually got a bit excited when this guy - Iain - emailed me the next day. He sounded like a nice enough guy - quirky sense of humour, good looking in the photo he sent to me, etc., so I offered my phone number if he cared to call me. One bottle of liquid courage helped the conversation to flow smoothly and despite the fact that he turned out to be 45, I decided to see where this would lead figuring that the worst case scenario would just be that I met a new person.
Iain decided we should meet for Saturday brunch at a little cafe close to his neighbourhood. So, in order to make it there for noon, I was up and out of the house by 10am; I drove to a friend's house, she dropped me off at the nearest skytrain station, I rode the train for 35 minutes to downtown, walked about 15 blocks and when no buses showed up, I hailed a cab for the remaining leg of the trip. I got to the cafe 5 minutes early, gave a quick look around and when he wasn't there, I sat down at a table for two with a view of the street entrance.
FINALLY, at 12:15 I hear a voice behind me asking, "Holly?" I turned around and my first thought was, "Oh shit, do I have to be?"
First off, this guy looked nothing like the photo he'd sent me, which was obviously taken in the early 90's. As he walked towards me, I couldn't believe what I saw. He was wearing a wrinkled, rumpled Guinness rugby shirt with the collar all twisted and turned under, tapered leg blue jeans, and a polar fleece vest with a big animal paw print embroidered smack-dab in-between his shoulder blades. When he sat down across from me, I noticed his glasses were smudged with fingerprints, his hair was completely disheveled, he had black nostril hair protruding a good 1/4" out of his nose, and he had a thick white build-up of spit (or 'mouth jism', as my brother dubbed it) encrusted in the corners of his mouth. Although denying that he was late, BY HIS OWN ADMISSION, HE DID NOT BATHE FOR ME; instead, he sat and read until 11:50 when he decided he should probably leave the house.
I'm not a shallow person, so appearance aside (although it was more the fact that he just didn't give a shit enough to put the effort into his appearance and first impression that insulted me), I decided to see how brunch would progress. It didn't improve.
He dropped his fork on the dirty, manky carpet but picked it up, gave it a quick wipe, and continued to eat with it (NASTY). The worst of it, though, was that he thought he was God's gift to creation, and everything that I took for 'quirky British humour' was just pure arrogance. This guy was a complete dink.
Once brunch was finally over, he insisted on giving me a lift downtown where I was to meet a few of my girlfriends. In the short 5 minute drive, he nearly hit 2 cars and as many pedestrians - shouting and swearing at them all the way. We arrived at my destination, I thanked him and shook his hand, jumped out of the car and walked directly to a pay phone where I called the friend who set me up with him and advised her that SHE WAS FIRED. Holly - Vancouver, BC Click here to tell me about your worst dating experience ever. |