Sticky Beak
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The Skinny
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...life in small Northern towns, working for assholes, boys who refuse to become men, synthetic personalities, anorexic models and their link to emotional scarring, bad marijuana trips, crazies on BC Transit, beer, piece of shit cars, living out of a suitcase paycheck to paycheck, unrequited love, Seinfeld, minimum-wage jobs, broken New Year�s resolutions, and over-limit Visa accounts.
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asking forgiveness Every day is a new adventure. I used to preface that statement with 'My life is an endless purgatory', but I really don't feel justified in saying that anymore. All I know is that anyone who thinks they've got this world figured out and the people within it pegged is due for a great disappointment. I think that's the word that captures so much of my experiences of late... disappointment. Not that I think I'm the be all end all by any stretch... I'm sure that I've disappointed a multitude of people in my lifetime... I just never realized how... expendable I was to some of them until this past week. Disappointed to learn that all the love, understanding, empathy, hope, compassion, willingness, etc that I've carried for these people through the years is a) unreciprocated, b) accepted conditionally, and c) cast aside quickly at the sign of first struggle. I've learned that to some, I'm not only not worth fighting for... I'm not even worth a phone call. That's harsh. At any rate, what's done is done. Life is full of lessons and struggles and darkness and pain. But I'm here to testify that it's also about light and love and miracles and surprises. Even for heathens like me, there are miraculous encounters that could only be explained as "divine intervention" of sorts. Whether there's a big guy up there or my mom's managed to pull a few strings... whatever the case, I'll take it. I finally feel like my glass got a refill so that now I don't have to sit here, squinting and sizing it up in a debate over whether it's half full or half empty. There's no challenging where it's level currently sits... in fact, I feel right now that despite the heartache and disappointment filtering in through old, (apparently) corroded channels, light & love is gushing out and overflowing my chalis... This yang has found her ying, and is dancing about celebrating under a new moon of hope and prosperity. Things are good - beyond good - despite the roadblocks... (or, decommissioned roads, as it were). Sat down to write this in the hopes that it would help to clear my mind... rhetorical letters are always healthy for this kind of thing. But also see if staring at a computer monitor in the darkness wouldn't help my eyes to grow heavy and slide. Mission accomplished! For those of you who do stick around through the days/weeks/months/years - I truly appreciate you and hope that you will allow me the same flaws and faults innate within all humans; emotion, poor judgement, confusion, occasional breakdown of cognitive ability and the basic capability to fuck things up beyond your wildest dreams. If you can allow me this on occasion - or even once a lifetime, I promise to provide you with the same in return. I don't take my relationships lightly - despite soome general opinion resting with a few out there... so please remember..., forgiveness is a beautiful thing. And if I care about you, chances are I'm ready and willing to lie down in traffic for you. An extended hand to pull me back out at the end of it would be appreciated. Do I always have to be the one to ask for forgivness??? |