Sticky Beak
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The Skinny
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...life in small Northern towns, working for assholes, boys who refuse to become men, synthetic personalities, anorexic models and their link to emotional scarring, bad marijuana trips, crazies on BC Transit, beer, piece of shit cars, living out of a suitcase paycheck to paycheck, unrequited love, Seinfeld, minimum-wage jobs, broken New Year�s resolutions, and over-limit Visa accounts.
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Surrender This always happens. Starting the big drive to BL tomorrow, and all of a sudden the gods dump a shitload of blizzard on me. And I'm awake at 1am when I should be getting up at 5:00. Gonna be shattered when the day finally starts proper and I gotta get behind that wheel. Oi. It's been near a year since my last post... not surprising, since life has been - & continues to be - fabulous. I think writing is cathartic for me so I use it rhetorically on a blog that no one reads as a way of cleansing myself... but no cleansing required of late, thus the disappearance. But, just like Lazarus or a bad case of herpes, I'm back. My beautiful Paulie is curled up sleeping in our bed upstairs, the G-dog inside my robe like a little papoose... everyone's snoring but me. WTF? Probably has something to do with the drive tomorrow and my anxiety over the weather conditions. While I'm not scared of driving in snow, I've grown increasingly nervous about those careening down the highway towards me. Call it wisdom, call it old age. Whatever the case, I've become a bit of a wimp that way. I was expressing my concern at driving in these conditions yesterday to a couple co-workers who felt fairly strongly that the best option may be to cancel the trip home. One asked me, "What would your Dad say?"... I think they were flabberghasted when I responded with, "Never let fear or common sense get in your way.'". Mind you, this is the same man who advised my 17 & 18 year old brothers as they were departing for a trip to Brazil, "Remember boys... you can try on a pair of jeans, but if you shit in 'em you can't take 'em back." He's a bit of a renaissance man. Misunderstood. At any rate, I don't feel that I have the kahunas to withdraw from this committment of driving home. My baby sis is preggers - ready to birth any second - and I'm desperate to see her massive baby belly... I missed it with the last one. Plus, I just don't get home enough anymore, what with all the drama since Mom's departure. Unfortunate, really. Emmy's right - those of us who don't live there are punishing the innocent by avoiding trips home. It's stressful and frustrating to witness. Hard enough to manage that when you're removed by hundreds of miles, nevermind facing it head-on. But they do - the ones who live there, everyday. They live it and breathe it - just like they did with Mom's sickness and deterioration. And I'm a cowardly shitass for "hiding", as they call it. I never hid from Mom and her sickness... I wanted nothing more than to be there ALL THE TIME, but I knew that dropping my life to come home would kill her faster. It's not what she wanted, and she would have resented it. I know this. Alas, that has no bearing on my cowardice at present. I realize my flaws, and I know that my patience and temperment do not hold the capacity to withstand the bullshit without comment or snapping. Better to avoid, which ultimately prevents further fallout. Meh. Fuck it. Can't win. Just wanna get home and see that belly. Cuddle the twins (nearly a year old). Visit my Ma... and the living... obviously. Still, this trepedation lingers. Nervous about the drive... not feeling confident that I'll make it back to my true home, my Paulie. Now that we've finally landed here, I'm resolute to stay. I refuse to surrender him and our life together... not before we've had a proper chance (i.e. 50+ years) to relish it. At any rate... I will go, with a determination to return. That's the best I can do. I have some angels watching me, and that brings some comfort. 2:40 now... been awake for a little more than an hour & a half... maybe time to curl back up to my Paulie and see if sleep won't come back to me. Surrender. |