Sticky Beak
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The Skinny
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...life in small Northern towns, working for assholes, boys who refuse to become men, synthetic personalities, anorexic models and their link to emotional scarring, bad marijuana trips, crazies on BC Transit, beer, piece of shit cars, living out of a suitcase paycheck to paycheck, unrequited love, Seinfeld, minimum-wage jobs, broken New Year�s resolutions, and over-limit Visa accounts.
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Futons & Blessings Tradeshows... definitely a man's doing. No woman would willingly submit to this torture. Only another 2 hours of manning the booth, and then I'm released to crawl my way back to the Man Shed, collapse on to the futon and abandon myself to blissful oblivious sleep for the rest of the day. With the exception of 2 nights earlier this week, I have probably been averaging about 4 hrs/night. Apparently that little amount of sleep means I'm stressed. But the 2 nights when I got 11 hrs, I was depressed. Can't win. Whatever it's called or indicative of, I just want to sleep. Fecking exhausted. I suppose for the benefit of the one or two people stumbling upon this internet fodder who aren't familiar with my situation, I should abandon the cryptic references and just come clean. D and I split 3 weeks ago. It's been a long time coming; a slow progressive death of our marriage, love, respect for oneanother until we finally found ourselves in a dark cave of misery and lonliness that really shouldn't exist in a healthy relationship. So, I bit the bullet and swan-dived back into singledom and all the entanglement that accompanies "being seperated". "Single and lonely... Thus the lack of sleep. There is so much to process and work through when you split... so different from the last time when I was able to pack my car, find an apartment and start focusing on the future after just one week. This time there's the house to consider: who's gonna live in it? what if it doesn't sell? how do we divide the contents? But the bigger question is the one that weighs more heavily on both our minds... "what about the pups?" Do we split them up, he keeps the walrus and I keep the weiner? Or do we share custody? Or do they stay together and go to one person? Gut-wrenching. Neither of us is keen to split the boys, so I think ideally we'll do a custody share... provided of course that everyone's able to maintain a certain level of civility. That will remain to be seen. In the meantime, as I've already alluded to, I'm camping out in a friend's garage, sleeping on a futon at 36 years of age. Thirty-six. Please god this is rock bottom. I'm incredibly thankful for the hospitality and absolute uncompromised willingness to help me and provide me with whatever support I need right now... but I'm desperate to get sorted; to get a place, buy some groceries, unpack my clothes out of the rubbermaid bin they currently call home, and exhale. Looking forward also to a time when people can stop worrying about me, where I'm sleeping, what I'm eating, or how I'm managing. When I can stop relying on the hospitality and kindness of my friends for a place to sleep, laundry, a shower. More than anything, I want to start sleeping again... a calm, dreamless sleep uninterrupted by mental budget calculations and uncertainty of where next week will find me. Just some basic requests... nothing too over-the-top. Until that happens, I'm begging forgiveness and patience from those around me who are forced to entertain my psychotic, sleep-deprived state and sit quietly as I search my swiss-cheese brain for the second half of whatever sentence has dropped off the edge of my brain at that moment. Very infuriating, very challenging. Very scary. I worry that I'm suffering early-onset Alzheimer's.. except that I am constantly reassured by others who have survived similar situations that this is "entirely normal" and will pass. God, I hope so. Until then, I feel incredibly blessed. I've always known how fortunate I am for the people I have in my life... but the past couple years and turmoil I've encountered have really solidified this. So thank you - to all of you. I hope that one day I'm able to reciprocate even a hint of the blessings and friendship you've given to me. Hugs & Love - Hol |