Sticky Beak
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The Skinny
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...life in small Northern towns, working for assholes, boys who refuse to become men, synthetic personalities, anorexic models and their link to emotional scarring, bad marijuana trips, crazies on BC Transit, beer, piece of shit cars, living out of a suitcase paycheck to paycheck, unrequited love, Seinfeld, minimum-wage jobs, broken New Year�s resolutions, and over-limit Visa accounts.
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Cutting Thirty-six years old and I've just realized something about myself last night: I am an emotional cutter. I seem to have this perverse desire to wilfully submit myself to agonizing pain and heartache by repeated exposure to things that I know will pain me even before I walk through them. Or by chasing things I know I can't have. The unattainable attracts me, for some reason. I can't help myself... I'm grossly emotionally suicidal. I've had a long-standing debate with myself - do I create these situations that bring me sadness and disappointment? Or do I have some kind of magnet attached to my soul that draws them to me unwittingly? Because all self-pity aside, I think it would be difficult for anyone to contest that I seem to have a high ratio of disappointment in my life... no? Turns out, though, after much debate and many long, sleepless nights wrestling the unfairness of it all... I truly am my own worst enemy. I may not create situations, but I certainly know where to find them, and how to maximize their "cutting" potential. Like an absessed tooth - painful as hell, but the tongue just can't help itself... continually pushing and rolling up against the offensive fang until we're driven to near madness from the agony of it and submit to desperation, begging anyone to rip the damnable thing out... the gaping, bleeding hole left in its wake would be preferable... atleast the throbbing is gone. But even with the knowledge that this sickness exists in me, I can't seem to curb it... I can't help myself from gravitating toward that throbbing nerve and giving it a gentle poke. Why not just work around it?... acknowledge its existence, then promptly schedule a procedure to eradicate it? Cutters cut because the physical pain is a release from the emotional torment they feel... it provides them with something tangible and real to focus on. It's a mechanism of escape. So what's my reasoning? I think I need a shrink - no way am I smart enough to figure this one out. |