Sticky Beak
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The Skinny
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...life in small Northern towns, working for assholes, boys who refuse to become men, synthetic personalities, anorexic models and their link to emotional scarring, bad marijuana trips, crazies on BC Transit, beer, piece of shit cars, living out of a suitcase paycheck to paycheck, unrequited love, Seinfeld, minimum-wage jobs, broken New Year�s resolutions, and over-limit Visa accounts.
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Onward Bleary-eyed and tired, as is usually the case for these entries... for some reason sleep is not coming easily to me these days so here it is once again that I find myself awake at 3AM with the laptop and you... nothing personal, but I'd really rather a solid night's sleep. Last night is the first one I'd had in over a week, and it gets a bit old after a while... I guess I can't really say "for some reason" when I know the likely culprit. But at the same time, thought I'd put that to bed yesterday and was thus rewarded with the infant-like dreamless sleep that was bestowed upon me. No joy. Hmph. Much has happened since my last entry... although the theme hasn't really changed all that much. Still with the drama. Still with the anxiety. But am working through that - or trying to, at least. A friend of mine introduced me to a psychic-medium a couple weeks ago. Truly, one of the most amazing experiences of this skeptic's life... With absolutely no background or hint of information as provided by me, she touched on EVERY SINGLE important aspect of my life. With INSANE detail. Seriously. It was shocking. But more to the point, it was comforting and freeing. It renewed my faith that we are not lone souls trudging through the shit and hiding in the foxholes alone. We are part of something greater, and the universe is on our side. That's a tremendous and powerful concept that helps this one get out of bed in the morning some days. Most of all, I was reminded that my mom - although removed from this plane - is still here and with me always. That beautiful, warm smile. The shy, girlish giggle. The big, comforting hug that can only come from a mom... It's right there. All I have to do is look for it. hallelujah. Aside from getting to connect with my mom, I also learned several other exciting things... was reminded to look within myself and really assess what it is I want from life, and to pursue it until it comes to fruition. What a concept! I tend to lose myself in other people... I really have no personality of my own, it just morphs into that of whomever I'm surrounded by at the time. Which is strange, considering how loud, obnoxious and overpowering my personality can be at times. Very strange indeed. At any rate, it's been so long that I've been doing this "body snatcher" thing that I have lost touch with almost everything that is important to me, and what gives me joy in life. Isn't it funny (and sad) how self-sacrificing we can be without even realizing it? And not self-sacrificing in a 'martyr-ish' way, but in a completely oblivioius way of just letting go of those small details in life that actually mean the world to us. Strange. At any rate, I'm forced to sit and think long & hard (fuel for insomnia) about what it is in life that brings me joy and how I can incorporate those things into my everyday life. I am one of those pathetic women who tends to lose themselves in a relationship... when I'm with someone, I gravitate to the things they enjoy and shy from the things that I relish when I'm single. I don't understand my inability to carry those single-world things over into coupledom, but have repeated this with every new relationship. Maybe (uh-oh... this is a lightbulb moment-of-clarity and self-analysis).... maybe that's the reason that so many of my relationships go south? Not just "romantic" ones (a contradiction in terms!), but friendships as well. I grow unhappy with who I am as a reflection of the other person, that unhappiness pervades the relationship and ultimately results in a breakdown. Hmmm... intersting. Enough of that bollocks. I can't even remember where I was going with that tangent. (sigh) Have had a redneck infusion of late, hallelujah. One can never underestimate the power of these visits. Bro Ryan & his fam were down for a blitzkreig visit en route to the lower 49 for a spring break escape from the resistent Spring up north... but were fairly disappointed, I would imagine, considering that the mountain passes were hammered with snow during their travels. Quick visit, but very timely and needed to help bridge a gap between siblings that could have stretched to a dangerous point of no return. CRISIS AVERTED! All systems go. Hot on their heels were sister Rachel and her little family for their 2nd annual Easter visit. That girl is a ray of sunshine and a lightening rod to the soul. She's larger than life in her humour and joy, and carries a softness under that perverted, indianese exterior. I am so thankful for all of my siblings, although sometimes I curse them... but my relationship with both sisters is growing stonger daily... The "Ya Ya Sisterhood of Traveling Pants", as mom referred to it. Hysterical. I don't know if it's my reading with the psychic-medium lady, visits from the siblings, the power of friendships, or just the beauty & healing power of time - probably all of the above - but I'm starting to feel a warm, hopeful sensation take hold, and am actually looking forward to what road lies ahead. The anxiety is slowly starting to slide off my shoulders and melting away to a quieter place in the back of my mind... eventually my hope is that it will dissipate altogether, but I'm a realist and know that will take a helluva lot more time than just a few months. I'm trying to remind myself of the beauty that I see in life, and to carve out some space and time for those things in my day. Here's hoping it works, and that the Psychic wasn't fibbing when she spun her words about the money tree in my backyard and all the happiness that would cause me to be dancing on top of the world. It's only good things from here on out... Onward. |