Sticky Beak
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The Skinny
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...life in small Northern towns, working for assholes, boys who refuse to become men, synthetic personalities, anorexic models and their link to emotional scarring, bad marijuana trips, crazies on BC Transit, beer, piece of shit cars, living out of a suitcase paycheck to paycheck, unrequited love, Seinfeld, minimum-wage jobs, broken New Year�s resolutions, and over-limit Visa accounts.
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Confused This is the weirdest place I've ever been. I spent the better part of Friday afternoon staring at the phone, aching to pick it up and call my mom. I can't wrap my mind around the fact that I will never have that luxury again...what a messed up reality. I am so consumed with anger... I try desperately to shake myself free of its grasp, knowing that mom would want me to be almost anywhere but here... but it has a firm hold on me, and despite my best efforts continues to plague me. Angry, not that she's decided to leave us -- I couldn't be more proud of her for that, and am so thankful that she opted to be selfish this one time in her life, and to free herself rather than stay prisoner here just for our sakes. No, I'm angry first and foremost that she was sick in the first place... that she tried everywhere to find a physician to just listen to her, but no one cared. To know that she once cried to my dad, "I'm dying and no one cares..." and that there was truth in those words. I'm angry at the doctors who ignored her, told her it was all in her head, or that it wasn't their problem. Angry that she went from having sore feet to dying in the space of four years. I'm angry that the world keeps moving and people's lives keep progressing when mom's has been extinguished at such a young age and in such a manner. I'm angry that her passing doesn't seem to floor and affect everyone else on this planet with the same magnitude as it does me & my family. I am so fucking angry. The flag was at half mast today in town... my insanity and irrational mind (that has now taken full residence) felt almost triumphant that "They" finally recognized her passing and lowered the flag. Pure insanity. I know it's not in her honour... but it sure as hell feels like it should be. Anyone who's ever lost their heart knows this feeling. Am I ranting? ... I think I'm ranting. I'm walking in circles..., I know that for certain. I saw a "For My Wonderful Daughter..." card in Safeway yesterday. My sick obsession with self-mutilation kicked in and compelled me to read the damned thing. And then I lost it... right there in the middle of Safeway, next to the bread aisle. It's those small losses that pile up on top of the gynormous loss itself that make you crazy. The fact that mom is gone is gutting, consuming, devastating... something I can't fully comprehend yet and of which I'm terrified I will comprehend one day. But these smaller losses - like the realization that I'll never receive another sappy "Dear Daughter" birthday card, that uncompromising & unconditional love at the other end of the line, the infallible support despite my shortcomings and bad decisions... those are the ones that constantly kick you in the gut and hit you from left field when you least expect it. Those are the ones that grab hold of your intestines and pull and twist and knot them into an unrecognizable state. Pure agony. There will never exist another woman like my mom. She was truly one of a kind... selfless, devoted, nurturing... beautiful in every possible way. She knew me in a way no one else - not even my husband - ever will. She understood me, even when I didn't... and she saw things in me that no one else could. She was my best-friend, my mentor, my moral compass, my rock, and my biggest fan. I like to think that I was her biggest fan, too. But at the end of the day, I feel like I let her down... I didn't do enough, didn't see her enough, didn't tell her how much I loved her enough... It's never enough. There would never have been enough time for those things, no matter if she lived another 50 years. But still, there was so much more I could have done for her. Did I listen enough??? I don't think so. I was so busy always talking. I wish now that I had never said a word, but just drank in everything she could tell me. Every word a gift. I would give absolutely anything to have a conversation with her now... to listen to the music of her voice. Her love. Her wisdom. I didn't do anything to save her. Kris and Ayumi tried everything... anything to save her. I did nothing. I sat on my ass 1,000 kilometres away, receiving long-distance updates on the progression of her ailments... my own life took precedence... something that she never would have done herself. I did try bargaining with "god"... I offered anything, everything, that I could possibly give in exchange for her restored health. To have her walk again. To hug my dad. But nothing. I guess prayers aren't entertained when they come from heathen athiests.I failed her. In every possible way. My god, I miss her. I don't know what to do without her. I don't understand. I'm so confused... |