Sticky Beak
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The Skinny
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...life in small Northern towns, working for assholes, boys who refuse to become men, synthetic personalities, anorexic models and their link to emotional scarring, bad marijuana trips, crazies on BC Transit, beer, piece of shit cars, living out of a suitcase paycheck to paycheck, unrequited love, Seinfeld, minimum-wage jobs, broken New Year�s resolutions, and over-limit Visa accounts.
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The wholesome goodness of breakfast cereal.. Well, here we are. We have landed in Nelson and it is beautiful. I'm sorry for neglecting the blog for so long - I hear that there are still a couple of you out there who check it occasionally - it's been a bit of a crazy month and I haven't had access to internet, unless dial-up qualifies. But I don't think so. I've had a nice little hiatus from work and responsibility - about a month now - but am ready to get back into the groove of life again... unfortunately for me, I seem to be the interview unibomber. Don't know what it is with me, but I just can't seem to bring it home when it counts. Eventually there will be someone out there desperate enough for an employee that will hire me, but right now it's seeming pretty bleak with the jobs that are actually worth having. And our goddamned fridge won't stop vibrating. Goddamnit! I'm feeling a little bummed out... doesn't seem to take long for the ol' hollster to crap out and succumb to depresion, apparently. The good news is that by the time I left BL my ma was improving quite a bit; she'd been hit hard by a bacterial infection that everyone had (and were kind enough to pass on to me during my visit), and it had knocked the shit out of her. She was back to being unable to walk, move on her own, and having difficulty even feeding herself. But this was due entirely to the illness, and like I say, by the time I left she was back to walking with her rollator and even doing some exercises. It's hard for her; she can't see how much she's improved and is losing faith and her drive to heal. I can't imagine how frustrating it must be to watch life from a recliner chair and be entirely dependent on the people around you for everything you need or want... horrible. She's trapped, frustrated and feeling a bit hopeless. I tell her Rome wasn't built in a day, and the improvements she's made over the past 3 months are tremendous..., but of course this brings very little comfort to her. She wants her old life back; her mobility, her freedom and independence. We all do. I want my mom to have everything she had before this whirlpool of shit enveloped her. But at the same time, I'm so thankful to have her any way possible. A friend of mine recently lost his mom and his emails are absolutely gutting. To hear so much pain in a person's words and be utterly useless and incapable of offering them any consolation or peace... it's so hard. And you can't help but feel guilty; guilty for still having your family in tact, for bemoaning an illness that has hope of recovery... I wish I could swallow up some of his pain... even just a little, just enough to take the edge off. God, I hate loss. I hate death, I hate pain, and I hate this void we feel whenever one of these evils infects our lives. And it seems to be happening so frequently lately, to so many good people. Where is the justice in that? There are so many assholes, murderers and child-molesters out there who will live to a ripe old age, without a conscience, but it's the good, selfless people who fall down. Why? How on earth can anyone believe in a god or anykind of higher power that would allow this kind of injustice? How can anyone condone it, or refer to it as part of a grand plan? There is no plan. There is no god. There is only here and now, the people we love, the relationships we forge and the brief opportunity we have to make ourselves worthy of remembrance. Oh shit. Suddenly I'm feeling very bleak. What's up with that? I think I'm just tired... tired of struggling and watching others struggle while a select few seem impervious to poverty, hunger, pain or any of the other millions of evils in this life. Or, maybe I'm just pissed that I blew another interview. No one's fault but my own, but it's so much easier to lay blame than to accept it, isn't it? Fuck it. Que sera. I hope that something good comes your way today... whoever you are. Everyone deserves goodness. Even if it does come out of a cereal box. |