Sticky Beak
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The Skinny
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...life in small Northern towns, working for assholes, boys who refuse to become men, synthetic personalities, anorexic models and their link to emotional scarring, bad marijuana trips, crazies on BC Transit, beer, piece of shit cars, living out of a suitcase paycheck to paycheck, unrequited love, Seinfeld, minimum-wage jobs, broken New Year�s resolutions, and over-limit Visa accounts.
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"O Christmas Truck, O Christmas Truck... How pretty are your tiiirrreeesss..." So generally, when I work the closing shift at the store, I grab all the large black garbage bags - usually 3 or 4 - and take them out with me to my car when I leave for the night. I toss them on the roof of my car (roof rack keeps them in place), and drive about 200 metres to the dumpsters when I then throw them out. On a couple of occasions, I've forgotten to stop at the dumpster (now that's a shitty short-term memory!!) and get half way through the parking lot before I realize that I still have garbage bags on my roof. Once I even went through the MacDonald's drive-thru. Can you say Redneck??? So tonight, per my usual routine, I grabbed the 3 garbage bags from the back, bid farewell to my co-worker, tossed the bags onto my roof and away I went. Yeah, well, I can't believe it took as long as it did to happen, but it wasn't until I was half way across the Lion's Gate Bridge that the first garbage bag flew off the roof of my car and into the traffic behind me. HOLY CHRIST. I am so lucky I didn't cause an accident. What a fecking HILLBILLY I must have looked driving through shee-shee-poo-poo West Vancouver in my piece of shit Ford Escort Wagon loaded high with black garbage bags. My god. It's a good thing I'm so brainless, atleast I had no idea why people were staring at me on the highway... I just figured it was because I was singing to myself in the car... God, I LOVE being me. It's awesome. Years ago when I took Whatshisname home to meet the family, we drove up in the yard and I died a thousand times over... the driveway was lined on either side with dead vehicles - all with their hoods popped and some with the door ajar. My God. It was a Redneck Vehicle Graveyard. At one point, I did an inventory of the vehicles on my parent's property; I counted over 20, only about 5 of which were operational. My brother, for instance, had one Hyundai and two 'parts' cars to back it up, as well as our grandfather's pick-up truck which he had to purchase after driving it OVER a lamp post and into a telephone pole. In additon to these, he also had his Jeep. Hallelujah that the parents made a concerted effort over the past few years to exhume some of the dead cars... the yard no longer resembles a trailer park. Unfortunately, my little sister and her husband seem to have assumed the tradition of maintaining the vehicle graveyard. Like most young couples, Ben and Rachel have limited cash and so cannot afford to buy newer vehicles. For this reason, they tend to accumulate inexpensive, piece of shit cars... like me. They own their own home, as well as the beautiful piece of property it rests on. HOWEVER... half of the non-operational vehicles/ATV's/Snowmobiles that once sat on my parents' property have now found a final resting ground at Ben & Rachel's. Speaking to my brother the other day, he told me that Ben & Rachel's truck has gone tits-up and now sits immobile infront of their house. Although they don't have the hood up on it, Rachel has strung christmas lights over the truck. Oh My God. A Redneck Lawn Ornament. I very nearly wet myself. I need a photo. As I don't have one of the Christmas Truck, you'll have to make do with this photo which is of an actual home in a small community just outside Burns Lake. Ayumi made Kris pull over and turn around so they could go back and get a picture... it's just so classic and unbelievable at the same time. The only thing missing is the dead vehicle with the popped hood... I LOVE IT!!!! |