Sticky Beak
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The Skinny
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...life in small Northern towns, working for assholes, boys who refuse to become men, synthetic personalities, anorexic models and their link to emotional scarring, bad marijuana trips, crazies on BC Transit, beer, piece of shit cars, living out of a suitcase paycheck to paycheck, unrequited love, Seinfeld, minimum-wage jobs, broken New Year�s resolutions, and over-limit Visa accounts.
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A Haphazard Halloween The complaints are coming in fast and furious, so I decided it was high time I get off my ass and rattle off some nonsense here on the blog to entertain the chickens before they get too restless. Well, let's see. I've actually been meaning to get here for a while now... I haven't reported my eventful Halloween happenings yet and they so deserve publication. Halloween was pretty cold this year, and because of the time change, it was also very dark by 5pm when I hopped in the rocket and blasted up about six blocks to view an apartment here in Luba's hood. Zip inside, yeah yeah... it's a dungeon, not for me, thanks anyway... zip out and race to my car so I can blast over to another viewing 20 minutes away and... what the???? Oh fuck. Locked my keys in the car. Brilliant. I do have a spare, but it's on the same ring as the key currently stuck in my ignition. Exactly the place a spare key should reside. Mmm-hmmm. So now what? Nothing to do for it but walk back to Luba's apartment and sit outside the building until she gets home and pray that she doesn't go out whoring for the evening. So after about 20 minutes of sitting on the cement block outside her apartment, growing herpes and convinced I hear and see glimpses of rats running back and forth under the hedges around me, I decide that A) That's IT! I'm getting a cell phone. This is ridiculous, not a single goddamned pay phone left in this entire town, and B) I can't sit here all night waiting for Luba - she might decide to make an exception to her "no sex during the week" rule and pay Curtis an overnight visit. Then I'd be really screwed. Piss on it, I'll just break the goddamned back window on the car, reach in and unlock it. I hate that piece of tin anyway, and it's not like the value of the vehicle will go down or anything... so I'll just break the wing on the back passenger window and duck tape plastic over it. People do it all the time. Right? Across the street I go to the Chinese Market and, squatting in the canned vegetables aisle to select my weapon of choice, I weigh the contestants in my hands... corn vs. peas. Which is heavier? Which will make less of a mess if the can splits and the contents spray all over the interior of my car? Hmmm... it's a close race, but I think that the peas weigh an ounce or so more. DING! DING! We have a winner! I pay for the peas and make my way back to my car, reassuring myself with inner dialogue the entire way that it's the right decision, busting out my window. And considering I have no phone, no apartment keys, and no pot to piss in, it's really my only option. As I'm walking, I notice that there seem to be a lot of little people running around in costume. Oh shit, it's Halloween! Gonna be a bit difficult to look inconspicuous and vandalize my own car when the streets are teeming with dozens of superheroes and their parents. Finally, I arrive at my car. Now what? How do I go about this? With my luck, I'll probably sever my arm or get hit with a bunch of shards when I smash the window in. Hmmm... better protect myself. So, with very little finesse, a lot of grunting and indecent exposure, I manage to remove my shirt from under my coat. I place the can of peas inside my shirt, which has now transformed into a sling of sorts. Glancing around me nervously to ensure that there are no trick-or-treaters, parents or bystanders, I wind up, swing the peas with everything I've got and... BINK! The can bounces right off the glass without so much as a chip. Oh you've got to be kidding me. I even suck at vandalizing my own car. One more try.... big swing to get the momentum behind that can of peas, and... BINK! the glass doesn't budge an inch. Unbelievable. I knew I should have gone with a canned fruit! Vegetables are my Kryptonite - there's no way this plan could have worked!!! Defeated by the glass, cold, forlorn, and - I don't mind saying - a little bit scared, I wander back to Luba's apartment building to loiter until she returns home. Thankfully, she blew the boyfriend off and came home to rescue me. In the end, I called a tow truck to unlock my car; that was the most expensive 5 seconds in history, I reckon. But, atleast I don't have saran wrap for a back window. Not that it matters... the rocket wouldn't be any less waterproof than it is right now (the piece of shit). So that was my Halloween. No Adele. No Richard Simmons. Just me trying to break into my own vehicle... and failing. I make George Costanza look like a goddamned brain surgeon. I love being me. It's awesome. |