Sticky Beak
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The Skinny
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...life in small Northern towns, working for assholes, boys who refuse to become men, synthetic personalities, anorexic models and their link to emotional scarring, bad marijuana trips, crazies on BC Transit, beer, piece of shit cars, living out of a suitcase paycheck to paycheck, unrequited love, Seinfeld, minimum-wage jobs, broken New Year�s resolutions, and over-limit Visa accounts.
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Only The Good Die Young Ohh... what a medley of things to talk about today. First off, I have to share a little story about an ex co-worker of mine from my last job. This guy - we'll call him Martin - is perfectly cylindrical in his body shape of 4ft tall x 3ft wide (picture Chris Farley in his SNL role as a Motivational Speaker). Martin is entirely oblivious of his rotund appearance, and is convinced that he is indeed a sex object and Tae-Kwon-Do Master. I'm sorry... let me back up a little, so that you can get the full picture. The polyester fabric walls of Martin's cubical are barely visible under the plethora of certificates mounted in chintzy, dollar store 8" x 10" frames. In response to one co-worker's comment regardng the twenty-odd displayed certificates, Martin indicated that he "just grabbed a few on his way out the door, but that there are still tonnes more at home". Indeed. As a direct result of his stature/girth combo, Martin huffs, puffs, and grunts with any form of exhertion - from walking, to running cables, to sitting down in his chair. In addition, he somehow manages to reference Tae-Kwon-Do in nearly every conversation he holds throughout the day. Did I mention yet that Martin is a member of the I.T. Department??? So, considering his ... physique and ... fitness level, we were all quite surprised when Martin announced his participation in the upcoming 10km Vancouver Sun Run. One day when I was standing at my station talking to a fellow deviant co-worker, Martin passed behind her on his way out for a lunchtime jog. Immediately my co-worker asked, "What just happened? Your face went completely white!" The only response I was able to form was, "Martin. Short shorts. T-shirt tucked in. Huff, Huff, Grunt, Huff." **Insert mental image here of Chris Farley in Daisy Dukes and a tight, tucked-in T-shirt ** Not two days later, I was at the coffee station preparing my Monday morning wake-up cup when Martin appeared next to me. Pressing his order on the buttons of the machine, he began to make polite, co-worker conversation with me. "Morning, Holly. How was your weekend?" So you can imagine how hysterically I laughed this morning when I logged into my email to find the following note from my afore-mentioned deviant co-worker:
Right before your replacement started, Martin was working the cubicle getting the computer ready, etc, etc. And you know how he is � 'grunt grunt, huffpuff, blow the neighborhood down.' And Lisa�s talking to him, so of course things are getting louder and louder. Christine was in my workstation and we were talking, and we are rolling our eyes about all the noise that Martin is making when all of a sudden ... CRASH, BOOM, BANG, RUSTLE, RUSTLE ... MARTIN FELL DOWN!!!!Oh My God. I laughed so hard I thought I'd have to change my undies. So, that's my Martin story. I know, I know... I'm evil. But hey, as my wise cousin Lana once said, "Only the good die young, that's why it's important to be a bit of a bitch at all times". Of course, she also labelled her own beer cooler "STOLEN FROM LANA NAULT", so... I dunno. In other EXCITING news, I worked another 5 hours at Bucky's today (yaayy!) and managed to outperform myself to a new level of retardation. All cocky and thinking that I was the shit for being on top of things when the one hour timer alerted us that it was time to brew a fresh pot, I pulled the expired pot, took it to the sink and secured the nozzle open to drain the remainder. I then took the container back to the brewing station, refilled the grounds and left it to brew. Fifteen minutes later, the shift supervisor comes back from her break and cries, "WHO BREWED THE DECAF???" Oh Shit. That would be me. Apparently a vital step in coffee brewing is to CLOSE THE NOZZLE, otherwise the coffee will just pour out! Who knew??! I tried to blame my parents for being brother and sister and explain that I had no choice in my inbreeding, but they both just looked at me blankly until I said, "... just kidding...". Good thing these people have a sense of humour!!! Yes, yes... that was exciting. Not nearly as exciting, however, as the coffee and tea tasting that I was able to participate in tonight! Yes children, it's true. I received one stamp in each of my Coffee & Tea Passports tonight. Aahhhhhh... It feels pretttyyy damn good to be this cool!
Being my first tasting, the shift supervisor had to walk me through the process: 1. Cup your hand over the cup and smell the coffee. Write down in your Passport your thoughts on the aroma. We then repeated the process with an herbal tea. Again I say...
All in all, it's been a FABULOUS day! |