Sticky Beak
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The Skinny
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...life in small Northern towns, working for assholes, boys who refuse to become men, synthetic personalities, anorexic models and their link to emotional scarring, bad marijuana trips, crazies on BC Transit, beer, piece of shit cars, living out of a suitcase paycheck to paycheck, unrequited love, Seinfeld, minimum-wage jobs, broken New Year�s resolutions, and over-limit Visa accounts.
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Embracing My Inner Darwin. Sunday afternoon... killin' time, waiting for Monday to come. It'll come soon enough - sooner, actually, with this fecking time change. I'm going to find out over the course of the next 2 weeks just how much knowledge I've managed to acquire the past couple months, and whether or not I'm competent in my job; my "assistant" is gone on vacation and I find myself succumbing to a mild panic attack whenever my mind lands on it. ACK! Sink or swim time. Have spent the better part of this weekend holed up in the man shed on the futon - absolutely shattered due to lack of sleep. But where would I go and what would I do if I weren't tired? No money to spend, and if I had it, what would I spend it on? Wishing I were in the dodgy 2 bed apartment now so that I could be painting -- would at least give me something to do. Next weekend will be a different story altogether... I'm USA-bound for a cousin's wedding in Spokane. Heading down either Friday night or Saturday early AM... big piss-up planned for Saturday night with the girl cousins & very likely a handful of aunts (those crazy bitches).. maybe even an uncle or two as well. A Sunday Brunch wedding is depriving us of the Shively madness that we require, and so we're forced to manifest our own. Love being so close to my extended family and getting to know them these past couple years - especially since Brian's death... they're an amazing group of people, and are filling a piece of the void I feel with my own immediate family being in such turmoil these days. Having said that, however, I'm looking forward to seeing bits of family filtering in over the next few weeks (if I have somewhere for them to stay, that is...). Big sis was due to arrive last weekend of March, but that's currently up in the air b/c a) I sleep on a futon in a garage -- it's uncomfortable enough without having to share it with her, and b) our brother has announced his imminent arrival at her house and stay of approx 2 weeks, so she's no longer sure she has the opportunity to come visit me. After Big sis, Baby sis et al., are scheduled to arrive over Easter weekend for their traditional annual visit. I'm mildly concerned about a) where they'll sleep (for same reasons as above), and b) what I'll do to keep brother-in-law entertained. Ordinarily we encourage him to bring his chainsaw and allow him to cut things down and have bonfires, etc... but obviously this will be a bit challenging if I'm in an apartment somewhere. Somewhere inbetween the sisters, my dad may or may not land as well... it's all a hazy mystery. RE: the living arrangements, I'm feeling mildly hopeful that D will sort himself out and get a place in Rossland so I can repossess the house. That would truly be ideal and better for everyone, I think. Certainly makes more sense for D... he's just got such high bloody standards and is so unwilling to compromise that it's going to take him much longer to identify something "suitable" than it would me. Herein lies the frustration and anxiety I feel... I know the second I sign an agreement and hand over a cheque he's going to vacate the house and leave me responsible for the mortgage... (sigh). I've had people ask me recently whether I'm actually doing as "well" as I appear and/or whether I'm ready to date. I honestly feel great. The hard part for me is the D factor - the responsibility and pressure that he's laying on me throughout this transition. I've had to get tough today, and I don't feel nice about it... feel pretty dreadful, actually, but am hoping that it will clarify to him where I'm at and give him that nudge to abandon hope of a future for us and move forward. Onward. I guess that despite our best intentions and hopes, there always has to be a bad guy; today it appears to be me. Meh. I'm ok with it because it's a necessary evil to continue on the path that I've chosen. As far as dating is concerned, I think right now I prefer to think of myself meeting new people and expanding my circle. There are a ton of people out there who I'm confident would compliment my life, and for whom I could do the same. Not to say that it would exceed a pleasant conversation over coffee or initiate a friendship, but I truly feel as though I've been alone for such a long time, I'm almost desperate to gain interaction and company of other people. New people. Maybe even some of the opposite sex... We shall see. I guess it's probably been long enough that I could go check on my laundry now... In my best McGuiver-esque fashion I've contrived a sort of clothesline across the man shed... adapting my surroundings to meet my needs. What a Darwinist. |