Sticky Beak
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The Skinny
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...life in small Northern towns, working for assholes, boys who refuse to become men, synthetic personalities, anorexic models and their link to emotional scarring, bad marijuana trips, crazies on BC Transit, beer, piece of shit cars, living out of a suitcase paycheck to paycheck, unrequited love, Seinfeld, minimum-wage jobs, broken New Year�s resolutions, and over-limit Visa accounts.
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a dizzy, tired mind 2:30AM - BING! eyes wide open, can't sleep. Laid there for a half hour or so, trying to convince myself that I was tired enough to fall back asleep, if I just cleared my mind. No go. Finally admitted defeat at 3AM and have been surfing the net for the last 45 minutes... check email (work/personal), Facebook (the damnable thing), google Yoga classes... turns out they offer them at noon 2x/week at the college where I work! Huh! Free is much better than $10/drop-in. I like free. Is my verbage as dizzy as my mind? I'm trying to focus on the screen, but it keeps morphing into one of those posters where you actually have to let your eyes go wonky in order to make out the true 3D image. This house is so quiet in the wee hours. No traffic, sirens, not even neighbourhood children or dogs making any noise... the only sound I hear is the gentle hum of the laptop fan and the trickle of water in the bathroom (we have to run the tap so the lines don't freeze -- successful so far (touch wood)). I wish this place would sell... we'll list it with PropertyGuys come spring and cross our fingers for someone else to see the beauty, tranquility and opportunity that this place presents. A single person, preferably. The house itself is just too small for two gargantuan oafs like us: Shrek & Fiona. But it is cute. Talked to Yoda yesterday afternoon. That woman constantly blows me away... I'm officially a believer now. I'm on the cusp of a huge awakening... I've known it for a while now and she reaffirmed it. I have grown dissatisfied with the mundane in & out flow of a day-to-day life where I'm more of a bystander than a participant. I'm not taking charge of my life to get what I need and want from it... I'm barely even taking part in my life. It's tragic. It's been growing steadily inside of me the past few months, and I can tell now that it's bubbling up, almost to the surface. I'm excited, but terrified. Because such a transformation requires change - some minor, some huge. I've always said that when we make changes and shake things up, the Universe always meets us half way... and I know that this will hold true again for me on this journey of awakening... but still, I'm scared. Hesitant. Because as I've preached to others recently, none of us lives in a bubble. So while the changes may be necessary and in the best interest of me... they will obviously impact others - people I love. I'm not prepared to hurt anyone, but then am left stuck in this struggle between what I am and what I need/want to be. What I will be. Courage. Courage is what I need. And conviction. We shall see. Maybe I should just run away to India and live in a buddhist monastery for a while? Intriguing. Lord god I'm tired. 4AM now. Wake up call in 2 hrs for D, 2.5 for me. Yikes. And a looooong day ahead of me, too. So, time to sign off, settle in to the couch (if I can carve some space out from around the weiner dog) and let the trickling water music lull me to sleep. |