Sticky Beak
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The Skinny
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...life in small Northern towns, working for assholes, boys who refuse to become men, synthetic personalities, anorexic models and their link to emotional scarring, bad marijuana trips, crazies on BC Transit, beer, piece of shit cars, living out of a suitcase paycheck to paycheck, unrequited love, Seinfeld, minimum-wage jobs, broken New Year�s resolutions, and over-limit Visa accounts.
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Taxicab Confessions D's taken Max and gone to bed before me. That never happens - he must be coming down with something. We've actually managed to squeeze the dogs out of our bed, which impresses me to no end. It was relatively painless, too; I anticipated loads of whining and door-scratching and so on, but the worst we have to look forward to is a predictable turd pile on the livingroom floor each morning. I'll take that over lack of sleep and taking turns on the sofa due to a real estate shortage in our bed anyday. I thought the dogs in the bed might be harmful to our sex "life", but turns out it makes no difference. On the way into town yesterday, D made some joke at my expense so I warned him, "Careful buddy, or your monthly shag will turn quarterly"... to which he replied, "too bloody right." Too bad he's a slow learner, because by the end of the night he'd moved into a semi-annual schedule. If he doesn't smarten up, he'll be looking forward to his birthday, the poor bastard. After I'd made the "quarterly" threat, I thought about it to myself and felt secretly sorry for the guy. It's true, you know... he'd probably have a better chance getting laid if he strutted into a bar full of twenty-somethings and spewed some terrible, swarthy pick-up lines than with his own wife. Monthly shags... that's twelve shags a year (for those of you worse at math than I am...). That's almost criminal... he could probably file for an annulment based on that. So, did the dogs coming into the bed take a toll? Dunno. Is our marriage struggling due to a lack of shagging? Or is the lack of shagging a symptom of a struggling marriage? What came first, the chicken or the egg? Well, scientists have now come to the conclusion it was the chicken who came first due to some kind of residue that is found on the shell of the egg, which indicates that the egg could not be without the chicken. Not that this helps my connundrum at all, except to tell me that our tax dollars are wasted on research to solve riddles rather than cancer. But I digress... Marriage, it's not for everybody. I believe there's an entry in here somewhere to that effect, written shortly before I met Damo, 4 1/2 years ago. I worry for us. If this is it 3 years in, what can we expect at 10? 15? 40? Or will we even make it that long? I spoke to a girlfriend of mine last week, and she commented that she tells people she's "still with her first husband". Comical, but sad... just like D's quarterly shag. Maybe I shouldn't be exposing my marital woes and baring my soul here on the world wide web... but then again, given the 2 people who still read this piece of fodder, I feel pretty safe. D used to read the blog religiously. Used to be my biggest fan and supporter. I even remember him telling me that he would give me 5 years to get myself published and then he'd step in to make me get my ass in gear. Those were the days. I doubt he's been on here in over a year. Doubt he even knows the web address anymore... But don't mistake this for a 'pity parade' or anything of that nature... just a statement. Just like my life... my marriage. It's a statement. Not one filled with any kind of emotion or passion or... conviction. Just a matter-of-fact statement that "it is what it is". I hope things improve and that a level of emotion, passion and conviction are breathed back into my life and marriage... but I'm not feeling overly convinced that it's coming. And the longer they're absent, the more detached I become, the further away that possibility appears, and the wider the gap between poor D's shags. I think he'd murder me if he ever read this. Maybe it's a good thing he's lost interest in the blog. Maybe that's the root of it... maybe he's lost interest not just in the blog, but in me. Dunno. Not like we can discuss it or explore it through counselling. That went over like a lead balloon - I imagine it wouldn't be well-received by many. Any conversation we have on a sensitive topic inevitably ends in an argument. It's an impossible cycle, I fear. At any rate. That's enough of the taxicab confessions for one night. If he'd just kissed me goodnight when he took the dog to bed, I probably wouldn't have gone off on this rant... but he didn't, so here I sit. Ranting. One step closer to the Celibate Lesbian Commune. This is one of those times I really miss my mom. The ol' mother-daughter chats with wise, maternal advice and insight. But at the same time, I'm glad she doesn't have to know about the current state of things... it would only worry her. Starting to lean heavily toward not publishing this particular entry. My forefinger is drifting toward the delete button... but there's something comforting about baring my soul to cyberspace. Something freeing. Life is a funny thing, isn't it? How one decision we make when we're in our teens can determine our path and where we find ourselves 20 years later? Wild. But also heavy. That understanding causes me to panic about every decision I make, and hesitate to even make a decision. What it ultimately results in is a life of waffling, which is even worse that going at it "Balls Deep" without thinking anything through. Sigh. This is what happens when you're raised by the "perfect couple"... an unrealistic view of what love / marriage / relationships are, and the ensuing disappointment when yours doesn't measure up in comparison. This is yet another reason it's always important to choose your metre stick wisely. It's ridiculous to compare oneself to such an example as my parents... there's no happy ending in doing so. I know I can't attain something like what they experienced; it's too rare to be granted to everyone. Right? I don't know... can never know any of this for certain. But I'm going to hold on to the continued belief and faith that my marriage is "normal", and that like 99% of marriages, it's a bit of a rollercoaster ride. I might have a little bit more "carnival" flavour to my marriage than some others out there, but that doesn't have to make it destined for failure. I believe that we've run a hard road these past 3 years, and that anyone would feel the effects of our life experiences during this time. I'm just "praying" that we can get off this bumpy sideroad soon and onto a more direct route to easy street. Somewhere with more square footage and a money tree in the backyard would do me just fine. |