Sticky Beak
|
The Skinny
|
...life in small Northern towns, working for assholes, boys who refuse to become men, synthetic personalities, anorexic models and their link to emotional scarring, bad marijuana trips, crazies on BC Transit, beer, piece of shit cars, living out of a suitcase paycheck to paycheck, unrequited love, Seinfeld, minimum-wage jobs, broken New Year�s resolutions, and over-limit Visa accounts.
|
An Update for Lee Lee I should be grateful for this day off, but I'm not. I feel a heavy anxiety on me this morning, and my bloody back still hurts. No idea what I did to it, but it's not getting better and the prescription drugs are starting to run low, spurring additional anxiety. I mentioned to D yesterday that I don't know why, but for "some reason" I can't WAIT for November to be over. I look at the calendar at least 4 times a day, hoping that magically we've moved further to the end of the month. I'd be happy to skip November altogether. D was very quick to identify the cause of this; Mom. November 8th marked what would have been Mom & Dad's 41st Anniversary, November 10th marked the last day I got to touch or see my mommy - and the last day my whole family was together in the same room. November 18th marks the last phone conversation I had with my mom - although I remember being so furious and frustrated because I couldn't understand a damn thing she was saying, and even my dad couldn't help to inperpret anymore... And of course, November 20th is the 1 year anniversary of the day our lives were irreversibly altered. The day my Mom took her leave. The whole month just weighs heavily on me - on most of my immediate family, I think. Hard to believe it's been an entire year - feels like yesterday, the pain is still that fresh. But at the same time, I'm amazed that it's only been one year... it's been an eternity since I got to speak to her or hug her, or kiss her. It's all about mom. I guess that's normal when someone you love passes... I know it's certainly the theme in my extended family, with all the loss we've had this year. The Swanks are all about Drew, Gary and Donna and many of his close cousins are all about Brian... I think our focusing on them and constant dialogue about them helps us to keep them present. Like they're just away on vacation for a really, really long time. My family situation is still completely fucked up... but atleast it's resolved somewhat to the point where everyone is speaking. The tension is still omnipresent, but I'm thankful that a willingness has broken through the stone wall that some had built up around themselves. The truth is that we're all struggling with every day. Struggling to make sense of this new world without her, and our place in the big picture. Mortality has a funny way of sparking inner reflection. Survival is the word of the day/month/year, and each of us is doing the best that we can to stay above ground and away from that dark abyss that constantly hovers at the edge of our consciousness, ready to wrap its heavy and suffocating blanket around us and to have us lie down with it. I know I haven't written for quite some time... the reason is simple, and the same reason I gave D yesterday for not wanting to call and reconnect with old friends; nothing has changed in my life since the last time we spoke. My world is a constant flatline - I wish it were more exciting and had things worthy of written or spoken word, but the truth is that I'm very dull. My life is insanely, painfully boring 95% of the time and reiterating that fact by updating the blog or calling an old friend makes it that much more painfully poignant. And truthfully, I have a suspicion that the rest of the world has copped on to this fact as well... I receive even fewer calls than I make. Can't say as I blame them. I get tired of hearing myself whinge. Tired of going through the drama in my family. Sick to death of it all. So, I don't write. I don't call. I cocoon myself here in my shoddy little shoebox-of-a-house and watch other people's lives - real or fiction - while sitting on the couch allowing my ass and self-pity to grow larger daily. I do believe that the universe helps those who help themselves, and I try to embrace opportunities as they arise... but I'm not actively seeking life, I have to admit. And so far, any chance or leap of faith I've taken has come back to me tits-up. The gods are pissed at me. Can't say as I blame them either... you know, being agnostic and all. I have two dogs sitting on me as I try to type this, my back is throbbing (despite the drugs), and I think I feel more depressed now than I did when I started this entry... if that's possible. I don't even know if I'd call it depressed... it's more like numb. Just numb. And so I'll sign off here, finish my morning coffee "with" my mommy, toss the rope a few times for the boys and then turn on the idiot box to see who's building what this morning on HGTV. Eventually I guess I'll have to pull myself together enough to shower and dress so I can meet D in town for lunch and do the grocery shopping. My life is so Rock & Roll. So there you are, Lee Lee. Are you regretting now your request for an update? |