Sticky Beak
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The Skinny
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...life in small Northern towns, working for assholes, boys who refuse to become men, synthetic personalities, anorexic models and their link to emotional scarring, bad marijuana trips, crazies on BC Transit, beer, piece of shit cars, living out of a suitcase paycheck to paycheck, unrequited love, Seinfeld, minimum-wage jobs, broken New Year�s resolutions, and over-limit Visa accounts.
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Criss-cross, Applesauce... I saw a terrifying thing today. Standing in the long line at Safeway with my 21 groceries, having been one item over the limit for express lane, and past me walks sexual confusion epitomized. It wasn't the sexual confusion that terrified me - I do live in Vancouver, afterall - it was the outfit. First off, and maybe I'm guilty of 'ageism' here, but this guy was probably in his mid-40's and looked like he was desperately trying to fit in to the twenty-something age group of his pretty little asian girlfriend... Actually, that's a good point too... I think he may have been aiming for the 'asian punk' look - sort of a Yugi-oh! character personified. At any rate, he was wearing the super-tight, super-tapered 'skinny' jeans that are supposedly in right now. Oh, and they were low riders... and I mean low. This was accentuated by the cropped white T-shirt he was sporting. The end result was an out of shape 40-something midriff. Like I said, terrifying. The only thing missing was the G-string. God, I'm a bitch. I come by it honestly, though, I think. Osmosis, maybe. Luba topped the bitch category this afternoon when she - out of the blue - identified someone as "a total loser... such a geek... absolutely no social skills whatsoever... a nerd." This struck me as fairly funny, since I haven't heard anyone described this way since highschool... and back then I was the one bearing this description. Mind you, I probably still do and just don't know it. At any rate, I told Luba she's a plastic Barbie Doll and that not all of us can be as supercalifragilistic as she is... and then I walked peg-legged around the kitchen with my arms bent and immobile, imitating her 'barbiness'. Lucky she's got a sense a humour... otherwise I'm sure that our friendship would have crashed and burned by now. I get such mileage out of my Luba material. Poor thing. Oh well, she'll get over it. She's terrified that I'm going to get even more inside details about her oddities and the craziness that surrounds her and post it here on the blog. And with good reason; I already have enough to fuel at least 5 more entries. But I won't. Yet. What a great source of blackmail. Fuck, I'm evil. An evil bitch. Only the good die young, right? Yeah, well. I'll save a seat for you next to me in the front row in Hell, if you like... (Criss-cross, Applesauce!). And here's a news flash... I'm getting sick... AGAIN. What the hell?!! Have to admit, I'm getting a little bored with being ill all the time. All week I've been innundated with sick people coming to the counter with their Neocitren, Advil Cold & Flu tablets, Kleenex... the full meal deal. Jesus H. And of course I have even less immunity than a newborn baby; I contract any disease that comes within 200 yards of me. Bollocks. I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that my diet rests entirely on one food group - all things carb. I bet I'd test positive for scurvey, if they were to test for that sort of thing. I know, I know... I should be taking some sort of supplement. Yeah, yeah. Luba actually brought home a freebie for me of one-a-day vitamins. I just HATE taking MORE pills. We all know how many I'm on already... would you want to add another one to the pile if you were me??? Doubtful. Blah, blah, blah. Yada, yada, yada. Briefly before I sign off for today, I have to brag about my fabulous boyfriend. He's awesome. I received the mother of all parcels today; music, photos, a box of chocolate-covered macadamias, a package of Tim Tams (Aussie cookies), a T-shirt sprayed with my favourite of his colognes, and a twenty page letter. Yup, he's the shit. And he's mine. MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE!!! :) "Dear diary, Jackpot! Digidy, digidy... ohhh yeahhhhh." |