Sticky Beak
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The Skinny
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...life in small Northern towns, working for assholes, boys who refuse to become men, synthetic personalities, anorexic models and their link to emotional scarring, bad marijuana trips, crazies on BC Transit, beer, piece of shit cars, living out of a suitcase paycheck to paycheck, unrequited love, Seinfeld, minimum-wage jobs, broken New Year�s resolutions, and over-limit Visa accounts.
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Attn: All Breeders Two words... Birth Control. That's what was running through my mind this morning in the shower with Ethan as I rinsed the conditioner out of my hair, my eyes closed, enjoying the serenity of the water falling over me, the sensation of something warm and gooey squishing between my toes... Oh, dear god. Please don't let it be poo, please don�t let it be poo... Somehow I summoned the courage to open one eye and peer down to the tiled floor. Sure enough, there it was... the biggest, goopiest pile of yellow-green poo you've ever seen, surrounded by seven or eight rock hard little nuggets. Goddamn-son-of-a-bitch-n'-whore-n'-bastard! I wondered why Ethan had been so quiet. Never trust the silence. That is rule #1. So that was my morning. "Hello, Holly, and welcome to another day in your sister's life." Now he's sitting in his highchair "eating" some ravioli concoction. In a desperate effort to 'Ethan-proof' him, I wrapped a towel around his torso, put a bib around his neck, and rolled his sleeves above his elbows. A valiant effort resulting in miserable failure. The child would have to be wrapped in saran-wrap in order to preserve any hint of cleanliness. There are bits of tomato, noodle, and hamburger plastered to his chubby cheeks and laced through his hair. I don't understand... all you're doing is eating. How is it possible to come out of that looking like you just survived Chernobyl??? So, apparently it looks as though Aunt Holly is going to have to throw the demon-child into the shower again and cross her fingers that we don't have a reenactment of this morning's poo episode. Dear god, what day is it? How long has it been since I slept through the night? And here�s a question: He's a little person � about 1/10th my size � so how is it that he rules this roost and renders me completely and utterly powerless, useless, and to a sobbing pile of fried nerves???? Why haven't I sold him to the gypsies yet? Oh, right... there�s the reason. That smile. The giggle. Adorable little brat. Uh oh. He's getting rambunctious and impatient with sitting in his chair now, so this brings us to the end of today's entry, children. I must tend to the demon-child. So, until next time, I wish you every happiness a good night's sleep can bring you, all the poo-free showers in the world, and silence to soothe your souls... |