Sticky Beak
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The Skinny
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...life in small Northern towns, working for assholes, boys who refuse to become men, synthetic personalities, anorexic models and their link to emotional scarring, bad marijuana trips, crazies on BC Transit, beer, piece of shit cars, living out of a suitcase paycheck to paycheck, unrequited love, Seinfeld, minimum-wage jobs, broken New Year�s resolutions, and over-limit Visa accounts.
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Favourable Methods of Sleep Disruption I woke up today with my brother's finger up my nose. Apparently, this is the standard mode of waking people here when they sleep through their alarms... good to know. It started me thinking about all the many cruel ways I've been awakened by people in the past, some of which caused me to giggle. Like the time I just opened my eyes for some reason - you know how sometimes you just know someone's watching you? - and there was my Dad's face, not 2 inches from mine. Somehow I managed to surpress the scream. It was 3am. "Do you hear that?" He whispered without withdrawing his face from mine. Nice. I continued to lie there, completely frozen and paralyzed with fear, listening to the Squeeeaaak-squeak, Squeeeeaaak-squeak, Squeeeaak-squeak directly above my head. I wondered, Is it unacceptable for a 30 year old woman to climb into bed with her parents? Deciding that I really didn't give a shit at this point and knowing that I wouldn't be able to fall asleep again, I got out of bed only to find my parents were both up and milling about in the kitchen. Apparently they were equally unsettled. There's also the classic 'Drunken Nephew and Brother-in-law Jumping On Your Bed At 5am' method of return to consciousness. This is one of my personal favourites. Definitely superior to that highly-overrated method of being gently touched on the arm and a soft voice calling your name to coax you out of dreamland. There are also the scenarios that you wake up to... these cannot be overlooked. Both those of your own doing (i.e. regaining consciousness on the cement floor of a handicapped stall in a bar washroom, smelling of urine and vomit), and those in which you have no control (i.e. suddenly bolting upright in bed with the knowledge that you will puke within the next 30 seconds and not being able to get to the bathroom in time because your asshole friends have tied you to the bed with your own sheets while you were passed out cold). Yes, yes. These are the moments to savour.
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