Sticky Beak
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The Skinny
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...life in small Northern towns, working for assholes, boys who refuse to become men, synthetic personalities, anorexic models and their link to emotional scarring, bad marijuana trips, crazies on BC Transit, beer, piece of shit cars, living out of a suitcase paycheck to paycheck, unrequited love, Seinfeld, minimum-wage jobs, broken New Year�s resolutions, and over-limit Visa accounts.
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Marriage... it's not for everybody. �Are you married?� Caleb asked curiously as he fondled the blue stone on my left ring finger. A very insightful conversation with a profound 4 � year old. Pity he couldn�t be my personal advisor, I�d probably get along better than I seem to be doing on my own. My friend Sarah refers to me as a 'serial monogamist', which is absolutely, undeniably true. I've invested a total of 14 years between two guys - the only two guys I've ever 'dated'. Of course, being that my first started when I was only 16 and living in a small town, 'dating' never actually occurred; he called me, we went to a movie, we made out, BAM!... we were dating. The second entered this sick and twisted story of my life when I was... 24? ... 25? Doesn't matter. We had one 'date' and by the end of it we were absolutely inseperable, couldn't live without each other, convinced that we were kismit and that he was 'The One'. Five years later, I threw in the towel and moved out. Apparently he was unable to feel 'love' or 'passion', and had been this way for oh... two years. TWO GODDAMNED YEARS. You'd think that somewhere in the space of 24 months he could have communicated this to me and let me live my life. Turns out he wasn't unable to feel love... he felt plenty of it, apparently, for his best-friend's girl. But this is all beside the point... What was my point? I forget... Oh, yeah. My serial monogamy. Yeah, I have this inability to be casual, apparently. I can't just meet people and enjoy their company... I have to know if they're THE ONE; I'm terrified of 'missing the boat'. Every single guy that passes me on the street, I wonder, "Is that him?". It's pathetic. I blame my parents and their happily-ever-after marriage. Seriously, it's fucked me up - and I'm not the only one... I have cousins and siblings that can attest to this. Seeing them together, after 36 years of marriage, still pinching each other's asses and giggling together, sitting side-by-side in a benchseat pick-up truck, walking through the mall holding hands... this is what I perceive as 'normal', when really it's the furthest thing from it. My mom and dad were highschool sweethearts - they're each other's only sweetheart. My mom doesn't understand that what she's been blessed with is a rareity... she firmly believes that everyone in the world can experience this same form of domestic bliss that she has. And to perpetuate this belief, three of my four siblings have managed to marry their perfect other half. Four miracles in one family... how devastating can it get? Well, I'm not convinced that domestic bliss is where it's at. Right now two of my very close friends are going through seperation/divorce. What's the point in trying to love anyone? Why give yourself to them thinking that they're the answer to all your hopes and prayers, that you can trust in them, believe in them, confide in them, grow old with them? What is it, something like 60% of marriages fail? That's ridiculous. Too much drama for me. Some days I get really down on the fact that of all the people I know, I'm now in the unwed/barren minority. I keep forgetting that it's normal for people my age to get married, buy a house, have kids, drive minivans and spend Saturday mornings on the soccer field. I used to think that I really wanted the full meal deal, just like them, and sometimes I still feel that I would like at least part of the meal, if not all of it. But then I look at my girlfriends, and my heart breaks for them. And I think - there went X number of years wasted on the wrong person... years out of her fertility, virility, sanity. It's a shitty deal. So why bother? Why put yourself out there just to get hurt? This cynicism is Sarah's doing. Cynical, jaded, and bitter - that's us. Two months ago my mom's friend - who's in the final stages of being riddled with thirty million manifestations of cancer - told me, "Eventually you'll realize that you don't need a relationship, you just need the sex." Nodding, I agreed, "Yeah... who needs the whole pig when all you want's a little sausage, right Kathy?" "Mmmmm," she paused and glanced thoughtfully at the ceiling, "I like the BIG sausage." This is the wisdom of a woman on her deathbed who has lived a full and adventurous life without ever having been married. I think her perspective warrants respect. Eventually I'm going to fund a 'Celibate Lesbian Commune'; a place where other women who have taken a vow off men can live together under the guise of being non-practicing lesbians (to ward off the men). It's going to be a big house on top of a big hill with a front porch where we can sit on and throw rocks at small children who trespass on to our property (a good pitching arm is a requirement for entry). There will be at least 40 cats, and we'll need one tall cabana boy to change the lightbulbs and 'service' the commune members regularly. You know... to keep them in good shape, like a car. So that's my plan. If you're interested in joining, send in your application. |